I have not written many personal posts recently because honestly, I have been having a hard time. Emotionally that is.
I do not want to be cynical. I want to love all and love myself just as widely as my empathy and compassion is for others. I do not want others to see these hard parts of me.
So this is why you all have not heard from me much, as of recently.
Hang in there with me, I will be okay. I just want you all to know that I am still here, same old Milo, just needing to be a little withdrawn for a moment.
Thank you and lots of love.
"Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm. And well you should not. For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. You must feel the Force around you; here, between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere, yes. Even between the land and the ship."
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So tonight (f)Emma’s and my parents met each other for the first time! It was amazing and everyone loved each other. We had so much fun at a little diner. There was good food, good people, it was a wonderful time.
What happened towards the end was not as fun.
There was a booth overflowing with teenage boys next to ours. You might say, “Oh no, this is a story about teenage boys being assholes again…” and you are correct. This IS another story about teenage boys being assholes. BUT it is also a story about their opinion being useless… almost as useless as their attempts to bring me down.
Towards the end of dinner, before the check, I saw this big group of boys (probably about ten of them around 16-18 years old) at the booth next to us looking over and laughing to each other. I knew they were talking about me because they were looking at me and laughing. Thy looked at me like I was a freak. I glared at one and he laughed and said to the other boys, “She looked at me, did you see that?” and he laughed right at me as if it were the most hilarious and gross joke. This kid had a fucking top quality sense of humor, a really excellent knowledge of when things are funny. Not.
There are two things I could do:
A) I could have punched one of them in the face. I could have yelled. I could have gotten kicked out of this diner and my family would most likely get banned from coming back. I really thought immediately afterwards that I should have done this.
B) I could do what I am doing, which is trek on. I am brave and beautiful and those boys, they are not worth any of my time. They are not worth a whole lot of anything right now. If they are so unhappy that they have to make fun of someone in front of people to feel good and have fun, that is really truly sad for them.
I AM WORTH IT. I came home and put on pajamas and sat down on the bathroom floor and took off my toe nail polish. I did this to hide my femininity. I know now that MY FEMININITY IS NOT SOMETHING THAT SHOULD BE HIDDEN. I am gorgeous and handsome. I am AMAZING.
I hope these boys no nothing of being mispronouned. I hope they never know what it’s like to be called a freak and I hope they never treat anyone less than anyone deserves when they’ve grown older.
Tomorrow, I will repaint my toenails. Bright ass pink. It will be brilliant and fabulous. And those teenage boys don’t deserve that kind of brilliant fabulousness. My beauty is beyond them.